Lowering My Expectations

As much as it pains me to say it, lowering my expectations seems to be something I need to do.  I know that I can sometimes have (unrealistically) high expectations of others.  Its mostly due to the fact that I will drop anything if someone needs me.  I shouldn’t ever think that someone will do the same for me, because I will always be disappointed.

Now, there are things that I expect from H and it is evident that I am at it once again.  I really want him to woo me.  To start dating me again.  I want him to make me fall in love with him all over again.  He did it once…I don’t know why it seems so hard for him to do it again.

The thing is, I am the one who always plans everything.  I get the babysitter, I pick where we eat, I look over the calendar to see when we are available to do anything, I am the one who has planned every single date we have ever been on.  The problem is, I need him to do all of that and I don’t think he knows how to.

In a perfect world, he would ask me to dinner at a restaurant we have never been to.  He would tell me the exact date and time of our reservation.  He would have already made arrangements for our dc to be watched so that the only detail I need to worry about it getting myself ready to go enjoy a night out.  After dinner, he would take me for a walk through the downtown area (its beautiful and can be quite romantic) before we head home for the evening.

But the reality is that life’s not perfect and he’s probably going to just take me for a burger one afternoon before going to the grocery store.  A glamorous life for me!  :)

But I want more and although my expectations may exceed his capabilities I don’t think I am being selfish when I say that I want more than a quick trip to the local burger place.

I need to lower my expectations and be willing to accept what he is able to do.  I need to somehow find satisfaction in the thrown together last minute date that I know he probably can pull off.  I need to stop being so nit picky about the details and realize that perfect dates are not going to repair my marriage…just spending time together and communicating is going to help with that.


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3 thoughts on “Lowering My Expectations

  1. I don’t know if it’s lowering your expectations. I see it as loving and accepting him as he is. Have you shared with him what you want from him? I know I’m in my head the majority so I’ve expected alot of things that I thought was communicating,albeit indirectly, but nonetheless he really had no clue! Make sure you tell him what you want/need, he really may not know.

    At one point we worked through a book called The Love Dare. It started with me, but I invited him to join me, and he did. If nothing else that book changed me first. Maybe you can find something similar.

  2. This post strikes a real chord with me. I am struggling with the same thing (albeit a different context), and it’s the learning to alter my perception of him so I can love him again that I am finding so hard. I don’t see why I should settle when he’s hurt me…but then could never walk away because he is the man I fell in love with.

    So I just want to say, I get this. Completely. It was beautifully written and expressed what I couldn’t, so thank you.

  3. Hi there, what do you mean by lower your expectations? One thing I’m struck by in many infidelity blogs is people, mostly women, saying they should lower their expectations of their husbands. But what does that mean, ESP after betrayal? And why should you settle for less than you feel you deserve? Instead, I think you need to be clear in your expectations, communicate them clearly to your spouse. And if they still fail to meet them, you must ask yourself if this is acceptable to you. It has nothing to to do with perfection, but his recognizing what is important to you and his willingness to do it for you, thinking about you first, putting your needs first (the opposite if their selfish behavior during the affair). But I think the hard part is realizing your spouse chooses not to do those things, in essence rejecting what’s important to you because it is not important to him. Seeing him for the truly selfish man he can be. And what does that say and mean? Few people want to confront this. This is the struggle I had with my husband pre-affair. But after discovery, uh-uh. No longer was I settling for less than what I needed and deserved. If he wanted me to stay in our marriage, a lot of things had to change, most especially, his dismissing some of my needs, because they weren’t important to him. And he quickly realized that what is important to me, must be important to him and vice versa, even something as simple as washing the dishes a couple of times a week. And if he hadn’t, frankly, I would have left. I sure as hell didn’t deserve what he did to me, and I refused to accept the unacceptable, excuse the inexcusable, tolerate the intolerable any longer. If we were to survive the affair, he needed to step up and do the work of transforming our relationship. I firmly believe that our recovery is accelerated by the extent to which the betrayer steps up to redeem himself and atone for his betrayal. Does any betrayed deserve less?
    Good luck to you in your recovery.

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